Self-abuse. A word that popped into my mind, and though I’m sure it already exists, I’m realizing how much it fits. We hear a lot about self-love, but what about the opposite? What about the ways we harm ourselves without even realizing it?
I don’t believe I truly love myself, not in the way I’d want to. Fine. So, if I don’t love myself, what are the ways I actively get into this habit of self-abuse? What does it look like in my life?
Here’s a list of some of the patterns I see in myself—habits that often go unnoticed yet shape my life. And the questions in each section are here to confront these patterns, to dive deeper, and to make sense of the choices that we make.
1. Keeping Myself Busy
I’m constantly busy, always moving, always thinking about the next thing on my endless to-do list. I rarely stop and let myself rest. It’s like I don’t allow myself to slow down because I’m afraid of what I might feel if I do.
Exploring the Pattern:
- What am I afraid I’ll feel if I let myself rest?
- Is busyness my way of shielding myself from something? If so, what?
- What if I gave myself permission to truly pause and just be?
2. Being a “Strong” Woman
I tell myself I’m strong, independent, capable. I don’t let anyone help me, even when I’m exhausted. I keep up this image, even with my partner, not letting him support me fully. While I call it strength, it actually builds walls between us and leaves me feeling isolated.
Exploring the Pattern:
- Why do I resist letting others support me?
- Is this really strength, or is it a way of protecting myself from something?
- What’s the true cost of always carrying everything alone?
3. Blaming Myself for Being Who I Am
I find fault in myself constantly—my looks, my personality, my habits. There’s this loop of criticism, like I’m not good enough in any way, physically or mentally. I know this blame isn’t helping me grow; it’s just keeping me stuck.
Exploring the Pattern:
- What am I truly blaming myself for, and is it serving me in any way?
- If a friend were this hard on themselves, how would I respond?
- Is it time to let go of these criticisms that keep me stuck?
4. Jealousy
I compare myself to others, feeling small and inadequate. I see what others have, and it’s like I’m missing out or failing somehow. But jealousy doesn’t change anything; it just leaves me more frustrated with myself.
Exploring the Pattern:
- What am I really comparing when I feel jealous?
- Is this jealousy rooted in a genuine desire, or is it reflecting a deeper insecurity?
- Could I shift my focus from what others have to what I can create for myself?
5. Prioritizing the Unimportant
I focus on things that don’t really matter, filling my life with tasks and distractions instead of addressing what’s truly important. It’s like I’m avoiding my own needs by staying busy with things that don’t satisfy me.
Exploring the Pattern:
- What would happen if I allowed myself to prioritize something I actually care about?
- What’s one small thing I could do today that feels like self-respect?
- Could I let myself follow through on that, even if it feels a little selfish?
6. Laziness
I slip into a pattern of avoiding things that truly matter, doing nothing that feels meaningful. Laziness might seem harmless, but it’s actually a way I disconnect from what I need and want in life.
Exploring the Pattern:
- What’s one small, meaningful action I could take today that would bring me closer to my values?
- Is there a part of me that feels afraid of trying, and why?
- What might happen if I chose to do one thing that mattered?
7. Being Cheap with Myself
When it comes to self-care, I skimp. I don’t invest in things that make me feel valued or cared for. Instead, I convince myself that I don’t need it or that it’s a waste when maybe it’s exactly what I need to feel worth something.
Exploring the Pattern:
- Why do I hesitate to treat myself well?
- What’s one small act of kindness I could show myself today, just as a reminder that I’m worth it?
- How would my life feel different if I allowed myself to care for my own needs?
8. Eating Junk, Smoking, Drinking
I know these habits don’t help me feel better. They’re comfort in the moment, but they only add to the feeling of self-neglect. I know what’s healthy and good for me, yet I often reach for things that pull me down instead of lifting me up.
Exploring the Pattern:
- What am I truly hoping to find in these habits, and is there a healthier way to give myself what I need?
- Could I replace just one of these with something that actually nourishes me?
- How might I feel about myself if I chose to treat my body with more care?
9. Being Antisocial
Sometimes, I shut myself off, avoid people, and retreat into isolation. I tell myself it’s easier this way, but deep down, I know it keeps me feeling disconnected and alone.
Exploring the Pattern:
- What would happen if I allowed myself a little more connection with people I trust?
- Who might I reach out to, just to remind myself that I don’t have to go through things alone?
- Is there a way I could stay connected that still respects my need for space?
10. Staying in a Low-Paid Job I Don’t Enjoy
I settle for less, working in a place that doesn’t fulfill me or pay me what I deserve. It’s almost like I’ve convinced myself this is all I can expect, even though I know I want more.
Exploring the Pattern:
- What’s stopping me from taking a step toward work that would feel more fulfilling?
- Is it fear of failure, a belief that I’m not capable, or something else?
- What small step could I take today to move closer to work that aligns with my values?
Moving from Self-Abuse to Self-Respect
Self-abuse shows up in these habits, small and large. Sometimes it feels automatic, like a habit I don’t even think about. But when I look closely, I start to see these patterns for what they are. I begin to realize that change doesn’t have to be big or drastic—it can come from recognizing each choice as it happens.
If self-love is about honoring and respecting myself, then self-abuse is the habit of doing the opposite. But maybe if I can bring more awareness to each of these moments, I can start to choose something different. Maybe self-respect is less about fixing myself and more about seeing these choices and deciding, one moment at a time, to be a little kinder.